Have you ever faced a moment or season that felt impossible to get through?
I know I have.
I’d describe managing stress as the daily, short-term toolkit you need to deal with events.
Resilience, on the other hand, is the long game of the habits and mindsets we apply through tough times.
Resilience isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a safety net.
One of the toughest times I have been through: Pandemic and Divorce
They say everything tends to happen all at once and no truer words can be said for when I went through one of the biggest doozies to date.
Going through divorce involves so many upheavals. When I went through it, it was where I needed to find new living and transport arrangements with a 4-year old in tow.
On top of my day job and Masters in Counselling. Man, what a ride that was!
As challenging as it was, the pandemic upped the ante with WFH arrangements.
I used to be so wired throughout the day, juggling meetings (with one eyeball on the laptop screen and the other eyeball on the lookout for what my daughter was up to) and meals as we were the only ones at home.
I was so highly stressed that my face started breaking out in painful rashes. Yet life continued and every day, it was wash, rinse and repeat.
I remember it being so tough that I’d call a friend up, cry and vent when I had some breathing space or when my daughter was sleeping.
Those were exhausting and very challenging days.
See what happened when I passed out randomly? 😂
What’s crazy about what I went through is that as tough as it was, I know there are people out there who go through even more challenging situations.
This is not a competition of who had it hardest but it is important to recognize that it is the truth.
What is Personal Resilience?
While I was going through this, there were many people who would wonder how I was surviving.
At first, life was moving so quickly that I had no time to process what I was experiencing physically, mentally, and emotionally.
People viewed me as a tough, highly resilient cookie and it got me reflecting on this question.
By definition, resilience is about facing life’s ups and downs with a bit of grit and a lot of heart. It is the ability to bounce back and keep powering through adversity.
For more of a breakdown about Resilience, you can refer to this helpful article: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-resilience-2795059
Whether it’s personal setbacks or unexpected challenges, building resilience has transformed how I navigate tough times.
What worked for me: 3 Tips in Increasing Personal Resilience
“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt.
As cheesy as the quote may sound, I still find it very true. Had I not been through the tough times, there would not be any resilience to even talk about.
Here are the 3 truly practical tips that helped me power through that season of life:
- Don’t deny what you feel and take it head on.
I’m serious. The first thing we tend to do once hit by a crisis is downplay what we may be feeling and going through. Some of us may deny or pretend the issue is not there altogether.
It is incredibly powerful to look at the situation as is. In my case, there were times i wished that things were easier or for more support and whatnot yet when I had more acceptance, it became all that much more empowering.
We can still be positive yet we need to also be practical and brave.
For example, There may be changes to the situation or perhaps different information may come in following days…but in whatever present moment, it is much more empowering to take the situation on as it is.
On a side note, it’s important to recognize the role that trauma can play. I wrote a post about it here:
https://align-authenticity.com/trauma/ - Focus on what is in your control and celebrate your wins.
Ideally, we would want things to be different or to tackle everything at once. Honestly, we do not even need to be going through a crisis to realise this.
We tend to be self-critical and what then happens is our beating ourselves up for whatever may not be controllable. Energetically, this does deplete you. You will also feel less motivated to handle all the other important things that you CAN handle and that are within your control.
And we don’t want that; we want to be energy efficient!
Which is why it is important to celebrate the good days and the wins. Perhaps you did not manage to accomplish everything exactly the way you wanted, but you still showed up.
There were days I would be beating myself up for not having made the dinner that I wanted for us, but I also took comfort in how I still managed to make sure we were fed. That was more important in the bigger picture. - Find and lean on your tribe.
Our friendships and relationships can go through their own upheaval during challenging times. As such, it is important to have supportive people who are invested in helping you through.
In my experience, some people who I thought would always be there ended up leaving my life. That added on to the loneliness and feeling like an oddity. What more with the added stigma (at the time) of being a divorced women.
I spent a lot of time feeling unworthy and withdrawing from people too yet it is funny how life works out. I found some really good people by chance and they are people I am still very much close to today. With some of my friends, our connection deepened further so it was not a bad thing for the adversity to filter out the ones who may not have belonged.
Nothing has to be wrong with the other person in all instances; perhaps they are just unable to provide you the support you needed at the time.
It’s similar to a person who look like they may be drowning as they are swimming. They don’t have the time to pick and choose who wants to save them. Because they are struggling as it is.
They may just reach their hand out (as they thrash about in the water) and in most instances, the right ones will step up and reach out their hand to help.
Are we born resilient? Can we actually build it?
Resilience is not limited to a few blessed people.
We can always build resilience, hence it being a long game.
Every time you face adversity, you can learn, adapt, and emerge stronger. Remember, it’s not about avoiding difficulties but about how you respond to them.
There are many, many tips about resilience out there and talks you can watch such as the Ted Talk by Lucy Hone:
https://www.ted.com/talks/lucy_hone_3_secrets_of_resilient_people?language=en
Another thing…
There is incredible beauty when you emerge from a difficult season.
In society, we often watch the highlight reels of someone’s life but we do not often see the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices they went through to get there.
I remember feeling overwhelmed when I graduated with my Master’s in Counseling. I could not believe I got it done!
So my last tip to share is: It’s okay to go slow, to rest and keep pace, but do not quit.
It definitely felt impossible while I was going through things like not having enough money, having imited time with my commitments and so on.
When a dream is whispered into your soul, it is meant to come to life.
Resilience is part and parcel of the journey of getting there; We can enjoy that journey when we trust it is possible. You do not have to be perfect or amazingly strong to start.
All we need to do is show up and keep working towards our dreams.